EXCUSES

This morning or should I say afternoon because it was in fact afternoon, I rolled over in my bed and the first thing I thought of is “where I hid all my dope which little clear baggie was where and where the hell did I put my bubble oh no don’t tell me I fell asleep with it again??”
I got up turned on my bedroom light started searching until I found everything I needed to get high then after I took a couple big hits I realized my cell phone had been going off.. shit I forgot my dad wanted me to go to his side of the families Thanksgiving celebration today so I quickly came up with a last minute excuse not to go with him.
While I was sleeping my friend had also text me wanting to know what I was going to do today and I replied with no kids no plans. So she says good come to a meeting with me tonight no kids no plans no excuses. My dear friend has been clean for over 9 months now and I am so proud of her she has been through so much and she still came out on top! She is an amazing person and I am lucky to know her! But anyways at that moment I kinda panicked and said well I would but I have been high since I woke up! Which is true but it had only been about five minutes..
Now I am sitting here in my empty room completely alone again and of course thinking and processing what just happened.
Why all the excuses?
Why don’t I just get up and go to the damn meeting?
Is this who I am now?
Someone who gives up even on myself?
Someone who doesn’t even support her best friend because truth be told she is my best friend and the only one I’ve got left!?!?
But I am sitting here with this evil devil all alone making excuses for myself!
I hate the excuses!
I hate being a let down!
All I am is a disappointment!
I hate being me!
I hate myself!