Facing The Holidays

I hate holidays every single one of them.If I could skip them all I would but unfortunately my kids won’t let me. The only good thing is since I am divorced I have to share holidays so this year I actually did get to skip the main holiday times and hide in my room alone. 

I have many reasons for disliking all of the holidays mainly because of my past experiences with my ex’s and because of my father always letting me down by breaking every promise he ever made to me and not even coming around when he could. Every Christmas is just a big reminder of how hard I try yet I get no where and it means nothing to anyone. I am a single parent and I work as hard as I can I always have but Christmas takes at least two months of saving every single penny I have for presents and then usually two to three months after Christmas pay back any money I borrowed or any bills I skipped. I love my kids and they are worth every bit of it but it just drains me. Also with being a single parent it holidays make me feel so alone.

It’s hard to be around my whole family since I have this evil addiction which I did in fact have to face my entire family while they all whisper to each other when I walk out of the room and a few of them pull me to the side and question me bc they think I look unhealthy. I sit at the end of the couch and try to be invisible which seemed to work pretty well Christmas day this year none of my family really wants to talk to me anymore anyways. It’s such a painful feeling to know none of them even care anymore not one of them asked any questions not one of them made conversation about work or kids or anything at all. I am so lonely in a world full of people a house full of my family that doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. 
The worst part is I really did and do want to get clean and feel normal and not depend on some substance to get me through every hour of everyday but when you sit there and face the harsh reality of how meaningless your life has become it is so hard to look past that and find a reason and the motivation, the strength to quit something that has become such a huge part of your everyday life. So after I left my families Christmas dinner I did exactly what I said I didn’t want to and made a phone call and headed straight to it. I knew it was not what I truly wanted deep down but at the time it’s all I could think about. I hate feeling that way! 

EXCUSES

This morning or should I say afternoon because it was in fact afternoon, I rolled over in my bed and the first thing I thought of is “where I hid all my dope which little clear baggie was where and where the hell did I put my bubble oh no don’t tell me I fell asleep with it again??”
I got up turned on my bedroom light started searching until I found everything I needed to get high then after I took a couple big hits I realized my cell phone had been going off.. shit I forgot my dad wanted me to go to his side of the families Thanksgiving celebration today so I quickly came up with a last minute excuse not to go with him.
While I was sleeping my friend had also text me wanting to know what I was going to do today and I replied with no kids no plans. So she says good come to a meeting with me tonight no kids no plans no excuses. My dear friend has been clean for over 9 months now and I am so proud of her she has been through so much and she still came out on top! She is an amazing person and I am lucky to know her! But anyways at that moment I kinda panicked and said well I would but I have been high since I woke up! Which is true but it had only been about five minutes..
Now I am sitting here in my empty room completely alone again and of course thinking and processing what just happened.
Why all the excuses?
Why don’t I just get up and go to the damn meeting?
Is this who I am now?
Someone who gives up even on myself?
Someone who doesn’t even support her best friend because truth be told she is my best friend and the only one I’ve got left!?!?
But I am sitting here with this evil devil all alone making excuses for myself!
I hate the excuses!
I hate being a let down!
All I am is a disappointment!
I hate being me!
I hate myself!

You are my devil

I am once again sitting here with the devil in my hand..stating down at it for a minute then looking up at myself in the mirror…. 

How did I get here? 

When did this happen?

How did I become this person? 

When did I get so low? 

How do I stop? 

How do I go back to being me?

The girl I use to see in the mirror, where did she go? Why can’t I find her anymore? 

Why do I have to be so weak? 

Why can’t I just put this evil pipe down? 

Why do I let this devil control me? 

It haunts me in my sleep!

It follows me around when I’m at work! 

As soon as I get home I am searching and begging for just a few minutes alone with this god damn devil! 

I look back to my mirror and can’t help but yell who the fuck are you?!

Then I take a super big hit then another and most of the time another then the kinda numb tingling I needed to feel on my lips comes. And I sit the little glass bubble down …. Look back to the mirror and say who ever you are, your better than this! 

Was ANYONE ever really my friend??

http://friendship.about.com/od/Types_of_Friendships/a/What-Is-Friendship.htm

I have been reading different definitions of the word friend for the last hour, only because once again I am sitting here completely alone and it dawned on me that maybe the people I have confided in and loved as a friend, maybe they were never actually my friends… 

If they were my friend they wouldn’t have done the things they have done and our friendships wouldn’t have come to an end. 

If they were my friend they wouldn’t be spreading untrue rumors behind my back. A friend is someone who is supposed to defend you to people like that. 

Maybe I should have realized that I was only being used a lot sooner. Maybe I should have seen them for who they really are instead of always trying to be understanding.

I sit here completely alone thinking about how it all came to this point??There is no way this is all just bad karma! I would have never expected all of my friends to turn there backs on me when I needed them the most, when I am so low in life just laying here each day waiting for it all to end.. 

The realization

I sit here alone in my room and think.. I do this quite alot now. I think about work, and my family, my kids, my love life, my friendships, most importantly MYSELF. The thing is I have nothing good to say this past year I have ruined everything! I have a new addition to meth and it scares me to death! I lost alot of work and since I was working so hard to build my own company this is really affecting me. I left a 3 yr relationship last November since then my own father won’t speak to me. I have issues with my mom and step dad and brother as well which I happen to live with. I have lost my very best friend who I thought would always be there for me considering she has been since the 8th grade and I am now 32 years old. I have 3 kids who are not doing without bc they have food, clothes, everything they need but I still constantly feel like a let down in there eyes.

I am depressed and I am struggling everyday of my life. I spend alot of time alone and trying to hide from my family so I don’t have to talk to them. I am constantly sad or upset about something or just completely mad at the world. I hate my life so much now and I have to take responsibility for this now I know I do. For the longest time I blamed it on my ex I blamed it in my dad but I can’t do that anymore. As I sit here alone in this world full of people I have never felt as low as I do now..

I have never struggled with an addiction not once not to cigarettes or alcohol or drugs and I never thought I would. Until now . My ex has an addictive personality and a few months after we got together I found out he was addicted to k2 which is not something I ever want to do. He was a mess he would puke in his sleep and choke on it, I would be on the phone with him in the middle of a conversation and he would fall asleep. He had all of the horrible symptoms. This was my first time seeing addiction first hand and I was terrified and I did not understand it. His brother kicked him out and i took him in and helped him find a way to get clean. It was a major struggle for both of us. We fought alot and we started having financial problems. But we made it past it he is still clean well not completely but he is not doing k2 anymore!

Some where along the way along the long road it took for him to get clean, I lost my path.. I was fighting with him and I went out with my friends got drunk at a bar and went to an after party ended up doing something I never thought I would do and I smoked ice..  I thought I was going to die that night… The day after was the worst!! I never understood nor did I ever think I would do it again and then again and again until I felt like I couldn’t function without it..

Now I know and understand and I can’t deny it anymore crystal meth has taken over my life and I myself am an addict. I can not hold anyone else at fault anymore. I have a problem and I need help.